huh? AM - Bend

We are once again crossing the artificial barrier between time zones, so I’m going to give up thinking about time differences. If one wants a reference as to what time it is, just know that Bend either two or three hours away from the time zone I’m in. Ya.... Tomorrow night we’ll be passing through one more time before heading back over it and two others like it the following day, so I’m just befuddled. The fact that I write al of these at two or so in the morning following the day I did it doesn’t help. So yesterday I didn’t type anything, because the day before yesterday wasn’t exciting at all, yesterday was exciting, so I”ll type today. The day before yesterday I failed at karaoke, (spelling?? I don’t give a damn) which really is a hard thing to fail at, I think I must have done terribly to have failed at it, but that’s another story, and it doesn’t need to be told. That was pretty much al the excitement for that day. (Of course when I say that I’ve done nothing, or there wasn’t a lot of excitement, it means that I was doing something, whether its homework, talking, or running in circles form madness, its something. That beings me to yesterday, which was awesome. We stopped in the Grand Caymans, which is by far the most beautiful area I’ve seen on this trip, and it’s right up there with New Zealand and Australia. The weather is always perfect (never above 80 or 85 or something like that, but almost always warm), the water is always beautiful, and the wildlife under the sea is always beautiful and plentiful, as only the true locals are allowed to fish there. One bad thing is the prices, which we are assuming are so high because the money here is backed by the Euro, which is doing so well against the dollar, it makes everything far to expensive. While everyone else had there own tours that they were going on in pairs, or in whatever size groups, I was running solo today, and I was running solo this evening, and tonight, I was running solo, it was nice not to have to worry about anyone’s enjoyment, anyone’s well being, or anyone except for me, and the occasional person that entered into my day. (Of course, my mind is always filled with caring about how certain people are, but I’m talking about caring for people that are present. I first went on the tour I’d been waiting for this whole trip, the 800 foot deep submarine dive. The dive was in a two passenger submarine, and went down a steep downgrade near the cayman trench. This submarine, part of the Atlantis submarine company in the grand caymans, was mentioned in a National Geographic Article about the grand cayman trench, which goes down 36,000 some odd feet or some such number. The submarine was a small yellow one, and similar to a research submarine seen on some nature channels. It was built along with 11 others to explore the Black Sea for Texaco, and to repair broken pipes for oil and such. Only 9 of the submarines built were put into service repairing those oil pipes. The remaining three somehow ended up in the Grand Caymans as a tourist attraction. The submarine was truly only built to seat the pilot, bu there was enough room to cram the two of us that were riding in it up in front, behind a convex lens that let us see the oceans depths. Controlled by a system of water and air release, it descended first at a rate of about 50 feet per minute. We were far enough form the wall that a crevice that looked to be the size of my thumbnail was actually large enough to fit the submarine in, yet it still filled the entire view in front of us. (The fact that we were behind a convex lens made our field of vision larger, but also made everything seem further away, so that was another reason that we could se so much, and have it seem so little, and vast at the same time. After looking at a few beer bottles and sunken wide brimmed hats, we finally reached the ocean floor, which was covered in white dust, like it was covered in snow. The descent back up was slower, and we saw a tone of wildlife, mostly coral, and sponges, but also fish. It was truly amazing to see everything, and I do have picturers I took while in the submarine, and a video that I bought of my actual dive on DVD, so I won’t spend to much time describing the ride up if I can be lazy and show it to anyone who truly wants to see it. Anyway, that was a ton of fun, ya. After the submarine dive, I went out into the town, where I looked around, and pretended to shop, but as I had no money, and everything was very expensive, the one or two cool things I saw that I wanted to buy, I couldn’t, which is probably a good thing. I met up with my family, and after a quick drink with them, we decided what to do next. My family wanted to see the 7 mile beach, but I had no interest in sitting in a cab for 20 minutes, just so I could look at a beach for thirty minutes, and then climb back in a cab for twenty minutes. My family went on without me, so I was left to look around town, explore the different streets and the stores, and market that they had within walking distance. I also enjoyed the peace and quiet. At 2:00, I was forced to get back on board, as we had to leave the coolest place on our trip sp far early... I didn’t mention this before, but the ship couldn’t dock, so instead we had to take shuttle boats to and from the docks, so I waited in line there and got back on board. On board I did random things, messed around, and got myself to dinner, where I ate dinner with my family in the random white tux for the last time. Twice in a tux in a week is quite enough for me. After dinner there was the champagne waterfall party that happens every cruise. They stack hundreds of champagne glasses in a monstrous pyramid, and then have people climb a step ladder and pour champagne down into the pyramid, and down the glasses. I watched for a while form the balcony, and then decided to go and hang out by myself, which I did for the entire night, on the top deck where noone was. I just sat and stared at the moon, and its reflection in the water and pondered all the deep thoughts and answered all the questions I could answer in that time, or at least asked a lot of the questions I wanted to answer. I truly couldn’t figure out who I was, or why I was where I was. Why I was sitting in the lap of luxury, yet I was not content, and why I didn’t seem to fit into the night sky above my. I didn’t fit in with the people partying below, and I couldn’t fit in with the nature around me, and I just didn’t get it. I’d try so hard to imagine myself as something other than alone, and it didn’t work. I couldn’t, can’t understand why I truly don’t fit in. Is it just that I as a singular entity have no place, no purpose, or what ever else. I don’t know why I was thinking this, but I was. Maybe I’m having a mid-life crisis, but that would mean I’m in my mid-life, and that would suck. Anyway, after thinking about al this, staring at the moon, and just thinking in general, which can be dangerous when alone, I came up with a random conclusion as to why I can’t truly be the genius I wish I where, or the wonderful person I aspire to be. I found that I couldn’t think logically, because of emotion, and I couldn’t use emotion and be social, because I keep thinking logically. I’m not genius, I don’t think up wonderful things, new ideas, but I can’t seem to get a handle on the emotions I’m feeling right now, right then. If I could truly think logically however, I’d be bale to use the time I have to think to think of some new and wonderful idea, but I can only think of emotions, my emotions, other’s emotions, my feelings about other people, other’s feelings about me... I dunno. I just can’t help but thinking that my laziness has to do with the fact that I’m confused, maybe I’m just making excuses for lack of motivation, or lack or will power. I could get up and work, finish homework, work out, but I instead do whatever the hell I want to do, because I can, and it doesn’t matter what I can’t do because of it. Wow.. This all must have been really hard to follow, but I’ll keep it here on the off chance someone understands me on this, and the of chance that I read this myself some day, and think back on my thoughts. With that, I’m going to bed, there were more thoughts.. I think.. But I can’t remember all of them, and some of the thoughts are for me, and me alone ;) ;) :)